Depression isn't always chronic and it doesn't always look like sadness. In my case it was situational and it reared it's ugly head in the form of anger.
I had lost my grandpa to cancer. Shortly after that the man who raised me died. I was living in a new city. I had a new job. I was in a new relationship. Basically everything in my life had turned upside down.
Some of the changes would without question turn out to be the greatest things to ever happen to me. Despite that fact it was too much too quick and I just couldn't get it together.
Naturally those who love me are protective and have advised against me sharing the bit about the chair in fear that I will be judged as a violent person for one incident. It's important though because it shows behavior far outside the lines of normal. Behavior that was out of control. That's how I felt back then and that's why I opted for help outside of therapy.
Those uncontrollable feelings are back. I'm not throwing chairs this time, quite the opposite. I'm sleeping a lot. I'm crying a lot. I'm shutting down. I can't seem to keep a positive thought in my mind for any amount of time. I feel ugly inside and out. I know what's happening and I'm consciously trying to stop it, but I can't. The sadness and negativity are getting the best of me.
I'm contemplating taking those little blue pills again (are they still blue?). There's a stigma though. I know because I've been depressed before and I'm judging myself now for not being strong enough to handle this on my own.
People who have never experienced depression of any kind don't understand it. To some it's not real. Or it's something you should be able to snap out of. There's nobody who knows better than I do what I've been going through (here, here) since January. If I can't be accepting of myself taking meds to help get me though this, how can I think that other people will be?
Some thoughts going through my mind:
Why am I so weak? I've gone through lots of ups and downs in life and I've almost always been able to manage on my own or with the help of meditation, a therapist, exercise etc. Why is this different?
I want to take the "easy" way out. I'm tired of feeling so down. I want to feel normal again.
If I had a heart problem or diabetes I wouldn't think twice about taking meds to treat either. Why is treating what I'm experiencing now any different?
Am I being a drama queen? Is it really as bad as I'm making it seem?
I don't want to be anything less than my real true self. Meds will turn me into a cyborg/robot etc.
Why is this so hard?
Maybe this will help me accept what's happening to me so I can get back to being the positive inspiration I want to be.