That's how it felt though.
There were many challenges and changes in the last year. There was also incredible strength, growth and relationship building. My life will never be the same, it will be better.
Today I can look back on 2015 as a year of great personal growth. I spent a lot of time setting myself up for success in 2016. I did a lot of hard work. I dug the foundation. Last year my goal was survival. This year looks quite different!
1. Don't be so hard on yourself. Less self hate, more self love. There were points in 2015 where I was downright cruel to myself. I had myself believing that if I could just try harder or if I was less scared that I could actually will what was going on with my eyes away. That's crazy and not at all even remotely possible. When that asshole of a voice chimes in this year I plan to yell "shut the hell up" amongst other things.
2. Stop spending time doing things that don't make you happy. I spent all of 2015 going to yoga classes at the gym because I love yoga. Only thing is I don't love the yoga that's taught at the gym. I love slow, restorative, meditative yoga. Not add a push-up before every chaturanga yoga.
My gym membership is free though and it's convenient so I continued to go all year long even though I wasn't enjoying it. Those days are behind me. I'd rather take a spin class which I find uplifting or pay a monthly fee at a yoga studio more in-tune with my preferences.
3. Take control LESS. This is a big one for me. Having been brought up in a very unstable environment I learned at a young age that to feel safe I had to be in control. As an adult and someone who's been in a safe place for a long time now I could have let that responsibility go a bit.
I haven't though. Instead I turned it into a career. I'm the one planning, fixing, leading and creating order. Add to that my marriage to a homebody. If Dar and I have a social engagement it's because I planned it well in advance.
The thing is, I don't want to be in control in all facets of my life. Some of my best days ever have been days where someone else was in charge. Spur of the moment trips. Go with the flow situations. I am desperately craving the feelings I feel on those days. They are after all what I just referred to as the best days ever. I need them more often.
4. Let shit go. I have gotten leaps and bounds better at this but there is still room for improvement. Obviously I'm human and I have feelings of sadness, anger etc. I don't need to let them carry me away though. Acknowledging the feelings help. I mean of course I'm upset that I can't drive myself to In-N-Out when I have a craving. I've suffered a huge loss by not being able to drive anymore. It's ok for me to be down about that at times. Indulge for a minute or so though and then it's time to move on.
1. Cut out reality tv. One show at a time. By the end of the year they'll all be gone. I'm betting I'll be a more positive person for it. I tell myself that watching "those train wrecks" makes me feel better about myself but in all honesty I think they're really just making me a more negative person. The first to go is Keeping Up With The Kardashians.
2. Save $1200 for Paris. Certainly not enough for the trip but I am horrible at saving money so this will be a huge deal for me.
And lastly, my word of the year. I thought about this one a lot. Like a lot a lot. I think the word I've decided on is absolute perfection...
My word of the year is ease!
"Ego says, once everything falls into place I'll feel peace. Spirit says, find your peace and then everything will fall into place". Marianne Williamson
I've been doing it egos way for my entire adult life. It's time to let my spirit have a chance. I'm ready to stop trying so hard.
With that I wish you all a very happy New Year. XO