As we were wrapping up yoga last Friday our instructor closed with this. I made me think, after all I was feeling dispirited. The thing is, I sing everyday. I dance all the time and I love stories. My Sundays spent at home alone and in the peaceful silence are everything to me. So what else could it be?
Then it hit me. I've stopped dreaming. I don't really have any goals for myself at the point in life, I've met all the goals I set for myself in my twenties. My life is everything I always dreamed it would be and I've stopped dreaming because of it.
I have ideas, I have things I want to do, but these things don't drive me because for the most part, I'm happy where I am.
Or is that a lie? Am I really afraid to dream because I don't think my reality will allow for it? I want to start my own business. I want to write a book. I want to take amazing trips.
I make a lot of money though and if I start my own business, that most certainly wouldn't be the case, at least not in the beginning. And this job, the one that pays our bills, it requires my time and my attention. It's not like I could work part time and cover things. That's reality.
The book, I guess that's a little more doable since I could do it in my spare time, but I don't. Why don't I? My practical mind tells me that it must not be that important to me otherwise I'd be doing it.
Then there are the trips. Dar would never go with me to Paris, besides, we don't have the money for that. If I saved the money on my own (allowances), would he be mad that I went without him? I don't think so, but maybe, but let's be real, I don't think I would. The bigger truth is that I can't save money.
So you see, the reality of it all stops me from the dream. I pride myself on being a realist, but in this case, being realistic is not helpful. As of late I've even noticed that I'm stopping others from dreaming. D gets all starry eyed with thoughts of building rooftop decks and opening our cabana into the canyon, but before the poor guy can even get the works out, I've put the kibosh on it.
I am dispirited because I let my dreams fall to the wayside, they aren't as big as my reality. I don't like that. How do you start to dream again?