A Night Away, Alone

The above is an excerpt from my journal dated August 6, 2012.  There are many like it, little reminders to myself to slow down, to take time out, and to work to find inner peace.  Unfortunately for now, 8 days out of 10, my mind runs at the speed of a freight train.  Slowing it down is a struggle and takes a great deal of work.  I've seen glimpses of the calm beautiful woman that lives at my core though.  I treasure her.  She's a better wife, a better person in general, so I continue to do the work it takes to bring her out.  

If I'm honest, it's a lot of work.  I'm human, I get caught up in work, life, and in little dramas.  When things are at their worst, I feel like a pit bull trying to jump or dig out from behind a chain link fence.  It's not pretty and it's exhausting.  Last weekend before our Christmas vacation, and in an attempt to find peace, I went away alone for the first time ever.

This was a planned getaway, agreed upon by D and I, but in the days leading up to my night away, I felt guilty.  Guilty for spending the money on myself, guilty for wanting to leave my family.  "Normal" people don't go away alone do they?  There was a lesson to be learned though, and I knew it, so when Saturday arrived, I kissed D goodbye and I made the drive to the The Inn At Rancho Santa Fe.

Within three hours of checking in, I had walked the grounds of the Inn, walked the town of Rancho Santa Fe, had dinner at the Inn's restaurant and had started watching My Best Friends Wedding.  Not exactly a calm quiet afternoon right.  I poured myself a second glass of wine and walked out onto my deck to enjoy the sunset. 

Why was I drinking?  Not to relax, but to stimulate myself.  I poured the wine out and went back inside.

Later that evening the guests in the room above me started making noise and at that very moment I realized that going away to this beautiful Inn and leaving my home full of all of it's lovely distractions (tv's, ipads, D etc.) wasn't going to make the noise stop.  I went to bed early and woke before dawn.

The moon was still out.  Breakfast wasn't served until 7:00 so I walked the grounds again, only this time with a quiet mind.  In the light of day, I knew why I was there, at the Inn.  My night away was just another attempt to lure the beautiful woman I know is there out.  I've said it a million times.  While I've made mistakes in my life, I have no regrets and in the end, when it's all said and done, the only thing that will cause me any distress is if I don't find a way to be at peace. 

The day before hadn't been a success because peace doesn't come because you're in a peaceful place.  A quiet calm mind is a way of being.  It doesn't go away because you're had a stressful day at work, because you're having issues with your mom, or because you're working on a big project.  It takes work, hard work, and lots of gentle reminders.

Here's to continuous process improvement.