Finally Hitting Bottom

Our den has never looked so beautiful to me.

It's actually a relief because there's nowhere to go but up from here.  Besides, it's not like I haven't been here before.  I manage to meander my way down this round about twice a year. 
 
For some reason this time around I didn't see it coming.  The descent wasn't as rapid and dramatic as it normally is.  That's a good thing.  That means I'm learning!  Maybe I'm handling stress better?  I don't know.  What I do know though is that I still don't take care of myself well enough to prevent this from happening in the first place.  The crash landing is getting less turbulent, but it's still a crash landing.   

I guess I should back up and explain what hitting bottom means for me.  It means that I've managed to get myself to the point where I have a hard time functioning in my day to day.  I still do it, but I have a hard time, a really hard time. 

It means that I'm over thinking everything, which means that I have an exhausted and overworked mind.  It means lots of self doubt and feelings of inadequacy.  It means withdrawing.  It means drinking too much.  Sleeping too much.  Worst of all it means being way too hard on myself.  I start to thinking "What's wrong with you?  Why can't you handle life?  Why can't you keep it together?"

These are the things I know prompt the downward spiral:  

1.  Taking on too much professionally.  "Yes, I can do that."  "Okay, I'll come in on Saturday." etc. etc. etc.  I've mentioned before that my work ethic largely defines me.  It's also how I pay my bills.  Working hard, making more money, that's what's going to allow me to retire at 50.  I don't need to be an "exceptional" employee at this point in my career though.  I can be an "exceeds expectations" or god forbid even a "meets expectations" employee at this point.  I've climbed the ladder.  In my head I'm okay with where I am professionally.  Somewhere though there's always something that keeps me pushing.  Habit maybe? 

To stop the madness I took Thursday and Friday off.  I wish I could say I wasn't online and that I didn't think about work.  Being at home was a step in the right direction though.  It's a start.   

2.  Over extending in my social life.  This space has opened me up and made me so much more aware of myself.  I know for a fact that my social life is thriving because of what this space is doing to me.  I can't explain it exactly but over the course of the last 4 months I've met and connected with so many new people because I'm blogging.  There have been trips to the gym, happy hours, parties, weddings, weekend visits etc.  I don't think I've had any downtime since before the 4th of July.  I'm beyond hapy to be building new relationships but there's got to be some balance.

As much as I hated to do it, I had to cancel my plans for this weekend in pursuit of some stay at home and do nothing time.  I've been listening to Pandora, trying like hell to avoid TV and social media, cooking (3 days in a row bitches) and sleeping a ton.  I don't feel completely rested, but I'm getting there.     

3.  Being too wrapped up in my iphone, ipad, TV etc..  I mean think about it, when you're perusing the internet for hours on end your brain is hopping from one thing to the next in a matter of seconds.  Shopping online, scrolling, scrolling, scrolling, constant movement, constant stimulation.  When you start taking your phone to the bathroom with you so that you can browse IG, you've got issues.

On Friday and again today I will not touch my phone or the ipad.  I don't want to be connected to anyone  but me.  And no more taking my phone to the bathroom #ridiculous.

4.  Looking back.  There are times I think I'm petty for not putting aside my feelings and pursuing relationships I use to value.  Time and time again I get to a point where I'm about to reach out and then something will happen and I'm reminded of why I stay away.  There's always going to be "something", some kind of drama and for someone who takes things in as much as I do, it's too much to deal with.  I don't stay away because I don't love these people.  I stay away because I love myself more.  Even cracking the door to the possibility of a relationship leaves me reeling. 

Life is a never ending cycle of ups and downs.  There's nothing to say that you won't relearn the same lessons over and over again.  What's important is that you try your darnedest to improve these areas of your life and that you take the steps you can to make the landing a little smoother each time around.

That's it for today.