The trouble with wanting more is that you're never happy with what you have. It's never ending, just like all of these circles.
Remember when I said I didn't want to Hustle? I created a cute little graphic and everything. Well, by created, I mean that I used PicMonkey. Anyways, clearly that is not happening here in my life. If it's in your personality to "hustle", is it even an option to stop? I've spent months in therapy trying to slow down, and nothing. After today I will have worked 9 of the last 10 days. That kinda sucks right, but I'm sure we've all been there before. Every major project seems like it's a race to the finish line. My next day off won't be until April 5th though. Yeah, you heard that right, April 5th. Twenty days with one day off, now that's a problem. Which brings me to a few thoughts. Want to follow me down the rabbit hole? If not, not biggie, I'll be back tomorrow with my list of grateful.
Why am I doing this, killing myself? It's not like I'm moving MY company. I'm just an employee at the Manager level, not even a big fancy VP. I know my boss didn't anticipate me playing as big a role in this move as I have, so why am I? Even now, I keep saying yes, I keep saying I can do that.
I blame the hustler. Yeah, I'm now referring to myself like I have multiple personalities (the hustler vs. my quiet little soul). It's me always wanting more, always wanting "better". I tell myself that the exposure this project has given me will be good for my career. I'm like a heat seeker. I see an opportunity for success and I pounce. Will this be the project that get me to the next level? That's how my mind works.
Why do I want to get to the next level? Why am I not happy where I am?
I don't know! I do know that with more money comes more responsibility. Why would I want that for my already stressed out self? Why can't I stop being an overachiever in the workplace?
A lot of my self worth comes from the job that I do and the money that I make. Will that one day cause me to crash and burn? Will it ever be enough?
Admitting to that a large part of my self worth comes from my job and the money I make makes me sad because I know that that's not what life is about. This is why people leave Corporate America. I mean I actually feel sick to my stomach writing this.
What will it take to make me realize that the calm and quiet are worth more than a paycheck?
And what happens after this project is over and I don't achieve my anticipated goal? I mean imagine the dissapointment. I'll resent myself for giving so much of my time and energy to something I just said I knew wasn't what's important in life. I'll resent my employer. Crazy because like I said, I know this was not expected of me. It's a lose, lose, and that's never a good situation.
And if I do come out on top? Will this madness stop? I mean, can you stop a freight train? It may sound dramatic but that's the way this side of me is.
It feels good to get this all out of my head. And please know that I'm not complaining y'all (still watching too much Southern Charm and now the Private Lives of Nashville Wives obviously). Just a brain dump. It helps clear my head which usually helps me refocus and charge on. I hope you've all had an amazing weekend. Thanks for reading and let's chat soon. XO