This is by no means a, I’ve got it all figured out now let me tell you what you need to do kind of a post. It’s more like a, I’m trying to figure this shit out and in order for me to do that, I need to get these thoughts out of my head and into the universe. Sometimes that’s all it takes right? I don’t think this is one of those times, but hey, you never know. On a side note, I do know I am what some people would refer to as an “over sharer”. I get the pros and cons of being an over sharer, but I am who I am, and I honestly believe that the only way to find people like me or people who may have been where I am and can help me in my journey, is to open up.
Anyways, onto it now. Hope, disappointment and expectations. I know with 100% certainty that they’re all connected. When I think about all the disappointment I’ve felt in my lifetime, I know it’s a direct result of my expectations being to high and my hoping that things might be different.
I tell myself that I’m a realest and that I’ve lost the ability to hope, but the Christmas presents wrapped and sitting in my hall closet to family members I barely talk to and haven’t seen in ages says otherwise.
I tell myself that I won’t let these people disappointment me anymore because after 34 years I know who they are and I know things will not change. That’s a lie because I end up feeling hurt.
I tell myself that it doesn’t matter, but it does.
I’ve lowered my expectations a lot over the years, but they’re still too high and they will be unless I can learn to expect nothing. There are just some things don't think I will ever accept though and because of that, I feel like I will always end up disappointed. How do you have relationships with people and not expect anything of them?
The good news is that this doesn’t affect me 95% of the time because I keep my distance. The bad news is that’s the only way to avoid the disappointment. Is it possible as a human to ever really lose hope? I hope so.