Thursday, May 28, 2015


I picked up a 40 pound desk chair on wheels and threw it like I was throwing a baseball.  Pure uncontrollable rage.  That was more than ten years ago.  After that little incident I started taking Zoloft and I continued taking it for three months.

Depression isn't always chronic and it doesn't always look like sadness.  In my case it was situational and it reared it's ugly head in the form of anger.

I had lost my grandpa to cancer.  Shortly after that the man who raised me died.  I was living in a new city.  I had a new job.  I was in a new relationship.  Basically everything in my life had turned upside down. 

Some of the changes would without question turn out to be the greatest things to ever happen to me.  Despite that fact it was too much too quick and I just couldn't get it together.

Naturally those who love me are protective and have advised against me sharing the bit about the chair in fear that I will be judged as a violent person for one incident.  It's important though because it shows behavior far outside the lines of normal.  Behavior that was out of control.  That's how I felt back then and that's why I opted for help outside of therapy.    

Those uncontrollable feelings are back.  I'm not throwing chairs this time, quite the opposite.  I'm sleeping a lot.  I'm crying a lot.  I'm shutting down.  I can't seem to keep a positive thought in my mind for any amount of time.  I feel ugly inside and out.  I know what's happening and I'm consciously trying to stop it, but I can't.  The sadness and negativity are getting the best of me. 

I'm contemplating taking those little blue pills again (are they still blue?).  There's a stigma though.  I know because I've been depressed before and I'm judging myself now for not being strong enough to handle this on my own. 

People who have never experienced depression of any kind don't understand it.  To some it's not real.  Or it's something you should be able to snap out of.  There's nobody who knows better than I do what I've been going through (here, here) since January.  If I can't be accepting of myself taking meds to help get me though this, how can I think that other people will be?

Some thoughts going through my mind:

Why am I so weak?  I've gone through lots of ups and downs in life and I've almost always been able to manage on my own or with the help of meditation, a therapist, exercise etc.  Why is this different?

I want to take the "easy" way out.  I'm tired of feeling so down.  I want to feel normal again.

If I had a heart problem or diabetes I wouldn't think twice about taking meds to treat either.  Why is treating what I'm experiencing now any different?

Am I being a drama queen?  Is it really as bad as I'm making it seem?

I don't want to be anything less than my real true self.  Meds will turn me into a cyborg/robot etc.

Why is this so hard?

Maybe this will help me accept what's happening to me so I can get back to being the positive inspiration I want to be. 


  1. I've suffered with depression before and to this day it angers me so much when people think it's just being sad or don't understand why you can't just think positive and snap out of it. There is so much more to it than that. I say, do what you gotta do to find your happy place again. I know it's hard to take that step, but allowing yourself to suffer without trying the meds might be harder.

  2. I've never truly understood depression until I lived with MFD, who fights it every day. Do what you need to do to be well and screw what anyone else thinks. You only get this one life. Don't suffer if there's something that will help you.

  3. Dear Shannon, my heart goes out to you! You have so much to deal with right now, no wonder you are depressed. Listen, having a medical condition like depression that affects the chemical balance in you brain is NOT your fault. It is NOT a sign of weakness. Taking medication is NOT just an easy way out, it is a medical necessity for you to get better. With the right meds, you won't feel like a robot - you will feel like yourself again, without the anger and overwhelming sadness. It won't take the other problems away, but it will make you better equipped to deal with them.
    The chair throwing thing? Don't think you were the only one out of control. My mom (who still insists she has nothing wrong with her) threw her hairbrush at my brother-in-law once, in front of all of us, because she didn't get her way. At my worst, I slammed the door of our kitchen cabinet so violently that it cracked (the crack is still there). I screamed at my husband that I hate him, called him the worst names I could think of, and why? Because I had this red-hot boiling rage inside me that needed to get out, that controlled me, and turned me into this monster I didn't recognize.
    Please, please get some help. You have enough to deal with already, don't add depression on top of it.
    I have been taking Citalopram for almost 3 years, and it has been a total life changer. I don't have any side effects, I'm still myself, but the rage is gone. The overwhelming sadness is gone. When I get sad (which I still do, of course), it is for a reason. Same with anger: Instead of being swept up in a humongous tsunami of unmanageable rage, my anger is measured, and justified (at least in my eyes lol).
    You are NOT weak! You are brave, and strong, and vulnerable, and you have to deal with an incredibly shitty card. get all the help you can! I'm rooting for you!

    xoxo Miriam