Wednesday, May 13, 2015

The Uncontrollable - Part 2

I dropped my mat and water bottle on the bench like I had done a hundred times.  The effects of my workout were already apparent as I squatted down to open my locker.  My hand on the knob, I looked at the numbers, only there were none.  Not a single digit.  I sat and I waited.  Three, maybe four minutes later things come back into focus and I tried it again.

Veils of blurriness.  They're unpredictable.  Thankfully they're not an everyday thing.  They never last that long either. 

The first few times you experience something like this (veils of blurriness, flashes of light whatever) you almost don't believe they're real.  It's so abnormal that you start to think that maybe you're seeing things.  Maybe your minds playing tricks on you.  I know now that I experienced my first veil the afternoon I almost walked into traffic.  My first flash of light was in a dim stairwell at work. 

I'd give anything to go back to the way things use to be.  I think back to life before any of this happened.  I never once took my vision for granted.  When you have to fight as hard as I have to keep your eyesight, you just don't.

With that said, I NEVER for one second thought things would get any worse.  Things were stable for so long.  If I feared anything it was that I would at some point lose the ability to drive.  Going blind never crossed my mind. 

Maybe my mind was trying to protect me because the thought of going blind is real now and it scares the shit out of me. 

I've asked my doctors point blank if I'm going blind now and they tell me I'm not.  That I will probably never fully go blind.  I don't know if I believe them.  I don't know if I want to.  If I don't consider it a possibility now when will I ever begin to prepare myself?

That's it for today.  I want to thank you guys for your loving comments and messages.  It means so much to me to be able to get some of what's going on in my head out.  It's hard to open up to people in my everyday life right now.  They're worried about me enough already.  Some of these thoughts and stories would make them worry more and I really don't want that.  You're giving me a wonderful gift so from the bottom of my heart, thank you. 


  1. Ugh, what a nightmare. But it is comforting that the doctors say you won't go blind. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst?!
    I'm glad writing it down gives you some comfort. It sure makes the rest of us realize that most things we complain about are trivial. Sending you lots of positive vibes and a big hug!

  2. So scary. Glad those things don't happen every day and don't last long and that your doctor says you aren't going blind. It's probably hard to believe sometimes when your condition changes and I get that you want to prepare yourself but maybe it will help you cope to believe in it. I tend to be a skeptic so I'm pretty sure I would feel the same though. It's just tough. Releasing those feelings into words in print is therapy for me too. Hang in there. : )

  3. I'd be scared as hell about going blind too. And trying to prepare for that eventuality. It helps me feel more in control to prepare for the worst. It's just how I'm built.