1 Day Closer To A Positive Mind

Day one of twenty one.  Read about my 21 Day Challenge here.

Three Gratitude's:
1. I am grateful for Darren's unconditional love (see today's journal for more).
2. I am grateful for my will.  It's insane.  It's never ending.  You'd think I'd tire of pressing on but I never do.  It's cyclical.  Twice a year things get really bad.  I take a step back, sometimes two steps back.  The backsliding seems damming but I always find myself a few steps ahead of where I was when it's all said and done. It's always painful.  It's always ugly and it's always exhausting.  The growth I see in the aftermath is mind blowing.  It's always worth it.
3. I am grateful for my free to me gym membership.

Today's Journal:
As soon as I woke up I thought of Darren and how grateful I am for his unconditional love.  The night before I was having "issues" and in typical fashion Dar just rolled with it.  I think it's important to let the people we appreciate know how we feel about them so at 5:00AM before either of us was fully awake I said "Hey baby, I have something I need to talk to you about".  He rolled his eyes which completely annoyed me and made me no longer want to tell him how I was feeling.  I'm pretty sure he thought I was going to carry on with the previous nights shenanigans.  Anyways after a few minutes of being pissy I started again and told him how grateful I was that he put up with "all this" (pointing to myself) and still found it in his heart to love me. 

This time he looked at me with kind loving eyes and said he wished I saw myself in a better more positive light because "all this" is wonderful.  I then proceeded to cry because that's what you do when the person you are most grateful for makes you feel the same way. 

Exercise:
At lunch a co-worker and I biked over to the Headquarters at Seaport Village for some power shopping at Kitson and Seaside Papery (I'm obsessed).  The sun had peeked out and it was a glorious ride.

After work I took a more traditional route and went to a 60 minute cross training class with an obscene amount of squats and planks/pushups.  I'm sore today but it feels great.

Meditate:
Despite having practiced meditation in the past I am still a beginner and rely on guided meditation.  If you guys know of any via You-Tube please share, good ones seem quite hard to find.  Anyways, after work, the gym and dinner I laid down on the couch for twenty minutes of breathing and positive affirmations.  Tomorrow I think I'll spread it out so that I'm meditating for 10 minutes at a time, maybe once in the morning and once in the evening. 

Random Acts of Kindness: 
I shared my delicious egg white breakfast panini from Bottega Americano with a co-worker.  It was so good and so satisfying that I wanted her to experience a bit of the pure joy I was experiencing.

I also found myself sending extra loving messages to those I emailed/texted throughout the day.

Wishing you all a beautiful day. 

In Hot Pursuit of Happiness!

For the last few days I've been thinking a lot about happiness. 
 
What it means to be happy. 
 
What makes me happy. 
 
If it's possible to sustain happiness long term. 
 
Am I happy? 
 
I've spent time journaling and I've answered these questions honestly, along with about a dozen others.
 
Here's what I've determined.  There are lots of things in life that make me happy: a good cup of coffee, trying something new or doing something I haven't done since I was a child, meeting Mariah for lunch, snuggling with Darren and Beeps, listening to music, the sunshine, getting a call from my brother, corn dogs! 
 
I smile and I laugh everyday.  
 
Despite having things that make me happy, I am not a happy person.  

Unlike the things that make me happy, my overall happiness has absolutely nothing to do with external influences.  I am not unhappy because of a situation, a struggle, a person, a thing.  I am unhappy because I have a negative mind and if your mind is negative even having all of life's greatest treasures won't make you happy. 
 
I already knew that about myself though.  The part about the negative mind that is.  I've worked on being more positive in the past.  Like most other things that are good for us (exercise is the first thing that comes to mind) it's a habit though and somehow it's a habit I've never been able to make stick. 

This may bore the shit out of you guys but in pursuit of happiness I am going to give Shawn Achor's 21 Day Challenge a go right here on the blog.  Watch Shawn talk about positive thinking here,

https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=SHAWN+achor+21+DAYS+TO+HAPPINESS&FORM=HDRSC3#view=detail&mid=78E0721A898C7A8102AE78E0721A898C7A8102AE

Now here's the drill.  Everyday starting tomorrow and running for the next 21 days (side note: this will get me back in the habit of blogging regularly too!) I will do the following:

1. Share Three Gratitudes: Pause to take note of three new things each day that you are grateful for. Doing so will help your brain start to retrain its pattern of scanning the world, looking not just for the negative inputs but for the positive ones.
2. Journal: Similar to the gratitude practice, but in this case, detail — in writing — one positive experience each day. This will help you find meaning in the activities of the day, rather than just noticing the task itself.
3. Exercise: Exercising for 10 minutes a day not only brings physical benefits, but it also teaches your brain to believe your behavior matters, which then carries (positively) into other activities throughout the day.
4. Meditate: Take just two minutes per day to simply breathe and focus on your breath going in and out. Doing so will train your mind to focus, reduce stress, and help you be more present in this moment.
5. Random Acts of Kindness: This can be something simple, and Shawn suggests writing one positive email to praise or thank someone each day. Not only does it benefit the recipient, but it also increases your feeling of social support.  

Happy or unhappy I think we could all benefit from Shawn's 21 Day Challenge.  Feel free to join in by sharing 3 of the things you are grateful for each day with me.

Lots of love friends.

In Our House

We have deep rooted silent battles that have raged on for years over things like what side of the sink the hand soap goes on.  He moves it to the left.  She moves it to the right.  

There's pretty much always a bra hanging off either a lampshade or a door knob. 

We don't answer the door to solicitors.

The cat rules the roost and she knows it.

There are nights when we go to bed angry.

We have no less than 6 bottles of sunscreen in the medicine cabinet.

We have weeds and dirty windows and frayed rugs.

Something always seems to be broken.

The floor of Darren's closet is always covered in clothes.

He does the dishes and she takes out the trash.

The coffee table is always a mess.

We have quirky trinkets like gum ball machines and Las Vegas signs that light up.

We have beer on tap and a giant jug of gin.

We only use Puffs.

We toot our horns like were Julia fricken Childs for meals like hot dogs and veggies.

We cry.

We laugh.

We are a team. 
 
We love unconditionally.

We are free to be who we really are.

Today's post was inspired by snaps taken from around my house.  

Meds

I picked up a 40 pound desk chair on wheels and threw it like I was throwing a baseball.  Pure uncontrollable rage.  That was more than ten years ago.  After that little incident I started taking Zoloft and I continued taking it for three months.

Depression isn't always chronic and it doesn't always look like sadness.  In my case it was situational and it reared it's ugly head in the form of anger.

I had lost my grandpa to cancer.  Shortly after that the man who raised me died.  I was living in a new city.  I had a new job.  I was in a new relationship.  Basically everything in my life had turned upside down. 

Some of the changes would without question turn out to be the greatest things to ever happen to me.  Despite that fact it was too much too quick and I just couldn't get it together.

Naturally those who love me are protective and have advised against me sharing the bit about the chair in fear that I will be judged as a violent person for one incident.  It's important though because it shows behavior far outside the lines of normal.  Behavior that was out of control.  That's how I felt back then and that's why I opted for help outside of therapy.    

Those uncontrollable feelings are back.  I'm not throwing chairs this time, quite the opposite.  I'm sleeping a lot.  I'm crying a lot.  I'm shutting down.  I can't seem to keep a positive thought in my mind for any amount of time.  I feel ugly inside and out.  I know what's happening and I'm consciously trying to stop it, but I can't.  The sadness and negativity are getting the best of me. 

I'm contemplating taking those little blue pills again (are they still blue?).  There's a stigma though.  I know because I've been depressed before and I'm judging myself now for not being strong enough to handle this on my own. 

People who have never experienced depression of any kind don't understand it.  To some it's not real.  Or it's something you should be able to snap out of.  There's nobody who knows better than I do what I've been going through (here, here) since January.  If I can't be accepting of myself taking meds to help get me though this, how can I think that other people will be?

Some thoughts going through my mind:

Why am I so weak?  I've gone through lots of ups and downs in life and I've almost always been able to manage on my own or with the help of meditation, a therapist, exercise etc.  Why is this different?

I want to take the "easy" way out.  I'm tired of feeling so down.  I want to feel normal again.

If I had a heart problem or diabetes I wouldn't think twice about taking meds to treat either.  Why is treating what I'm experiencing now any different?

Am I being a drama queen?  Is it really as bad as I'm making it seem?

I don't want to be anything less than my real true self.  Meds will turn me into a cyborg/robot etc.

Why is this so hard?

Maybe this will help me accept what's happening to me so I can get back to being the positive inspiration I want to be.