I'm A Thief!

I've stolen all of your hearts now haven't I?  Ba Dump Bump!

No seriously, a little over a week ago I found $25 and a Chapstick in the stairwell at work.  I did what I always do and had it in an envelope at the front desk ready for the owner to claim it. Nobody ever did though so on Monday I went out and got myself a manicure on who knows?  I now feel like a thief and am terrified of the karma that is going to come back and get me.

I may or may not have tweaked the above to make myself seem less horrible.  What really happened is that my old receptionist found the money.  It did go up to the front desk for a week and it's true that nobody claimed it.  It's also true that I spent it.  I probably wouldn't be feeling as bad as I do if I was the one that found it, but I didn't.  I'm a monster.  What would you guys have done???

On that note, I can't lie.  Like seriously, even about the littlest thing.  For example, if I go grocery shopping and sneak a few personal items in (magazines, nail polish etc.) I always end up confessing to D.  These are items I should be buying with my allowance, but instead have bought with house money.  I once hit a trash can with our new BMW and wanted like hell to lie about that too, couldn't do it.    

For the last three days I've gone without takeout for lunch or dinner.  I'm pretty sure that's a record for the year and it feels great!

My little brother called me on my way into work today.  I always love hearing from him and look forward to our weekly calls, but he suprised me by letting me know he would be down to have lunch with me today.  I squeeled like a little girl after we hung up because I was so excited.

I came home from work yesterday to find that our housekeeper had washed Poochie's blanket. Naturally I lost my shit and started sobbing uncontrollably.  Yesterday was one full week without my girl.

I'm thinking about getting a kitten already and I feel terrible about it. 

That's it for today, now go on and confess your deepest darkest secerets with me.  If you're up to it link up with the fabulous Kathy!

We're All Going To Be Ok.

This weekend I forced myself to go through the motions.  I spent my days doing the things that make me the happiest.  On Saturday Dar and I explored a nearby beach town.  We had lunch out at this little sandwich shop known for their meatball subs.  My poor NJ born husband is always on the lookout for a descent philly and meatball sub.  We took a  long walk on the peir.  We peeked into a few shops and we bought an obscene amount of candy.  At the end of the day I still felt miserable. 

Yesterday, I gave it a go again and drove up to San Clemente to meet a friend for breakfast.  We chatted for hours at the best little strip mall cafe.  The food was amazing, the company even better.  We walked the main drag where there happend to be a car show going on.  I haven't been to a car show in...geez, maybe I've never been to a car show?  We popped in and out of shops.  We walked the pier.  We ate ice cream.  After 5 hours I drove myself home. 

On the drive  back for the first time in a month I felt like everything was going to be ok.  The grief, the stream of bad luck, it's bound to pass.  It took me a weekend of spoiling myself and doing all of the things I love to show me that, but god, I'm so thankful that I see it now.

An hour after I got into work this morning my sweet and absolutely amazing receptionist (who I only hired a few months ago) called me up to her desk.  She was in tears when I arrived and her eyes told me that her little heart was breaking.  We walked outside and through the tears she let me know that she had broken up with her boyfirend.  The boyfirend she had moved to California to be with.  This all happened over the weekend and she had decided to move back to the east coast to be with her family.  Everything about her showed me that she was struggling with her decision, but deep down I know she knew it was the right thing for her.  We all know that doesn't make it any easier though don't we? 

I could have looked at this mornings loss as yet another bit of bad luck, but I didn't.  Instread I took the opportunity to comfort someone whos heart was breaking.  It was easy for me to tell her that she was going to be ok because I knew she would be.  I've been where she is now.  My entire high school and college carrer was pretty much one devistating breakup after another.  Years from now when she's been happily marrieid for almost a decaude, she'll look back at the days like today and she'll laugh. 

I hugged her as tightly as I could and I sent her on her way with all my love and support.  The last thing she needed was to feel bad about leaving this job.  This morning really only solidified what I realized yesterday.  The truth is, life is an ocean of waves.  Sometimes they're calm and soothing, other times they'll knock you on your ass.  April was one of the best months of my life.  May was as bad as it gets.  We're all going through "this" together though, and if we keep trying, we're all going to be ok. 

On that note, I want to thank you guys for all of your emails and comments yesterday.  Your love and support literally brought me to tears.  I really don't know how to proeprly express my thanks.  You should know though that you've made me feel loved and a part of something and that my friends is as good as it gets. 

That's it for today. XO     

The School Of Life Linkup, Week 5

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Well I'm here, it might not be pretty, but I've made it.  If we're friends in real life or on Facebook then you most likely know that we lost Poochie on Tuesday.  Without question loosing Poochie is the greatest loss I've ever felt.  I admit that that's a strange thing to say because I lost my dad to cancer, but it's true.  There are days where I'd give anything to talk with my dad.  I wish we could have known each other as adults and not just as father and daughter.  I feel that loss and I miss him, but that it's nothing like this.

Two years before I lost my dad, I lost my grandpa.  Other than Darren my grandpa was the only person in the world who really knew me.  We had such a special relationship and he loved and accepted me completely.  No questions asked.  I don't know about you, but for me, that kind of love is rare.  The loss of that love is huge.    

I started questioning my emotional stability yesterday.  I mean to some people Poochie was "just a cat".  I know that there are people out there who love their pets like family, I'm obviously one of them, but I have to think that there's something more to it then that.  Why, because that's the way I think?

I know I haven't talked much about my childhood here.  For now it's suffice to say that it was about as stable as I would be walking on a high wire after 10 shots of whiskey.  Anyways, one of the many unstable parts of my childhood was in regards to our pets.  I can't tell you how many cats, dogs, bunnies, chickens, mice, birds, fish etc. we had.  I believe my parent's always had good intentions when they let us get said pets, but let's face it, they had a hard enough time keeping the lights on and the food in our bellies.  Our pets were always the first things to go.  I imagine them now all living together on a "farm" somewhere.

My life with Dar, which includes Poochie and Beeps, well that's the only stability I've ever known.  For the last 10 years we've worked to build the strongest foundation we could possibly build.  We've been a family of 4 for longer than I was ever a family with either of my parents and my siblings.  I know there's something to that.  This family, my family is everything to me.  I've relied on it.  I've fallen completely in love with it.  Now a part of my family has gone and I'm absolutely beside myself. 

I didn't want to wallow in the sadness here, but I don't know any other way right now.  And I can't be myself without sharing what I've learned about grief and loss this week.  I'm not proud of everything I'm about to share, but such is life.  

Grief will make you feel so empty that you'll do anything you can to get away from it.  I've cried myself to sleep.  I've drank myself to sleep.  I've taken pills.  I've smoked.  I've left work abruptly because I couldn't bare being away from the house.  I've left the house abruptly because I couldn't bare to be here.  At times I think I've literally lost my mind. 

Good friends will be there to support you, even if they don't know personally what you're experiencing.  I can't tell you how much the texts, cards, flowers and xanax have meant to me this week.  I have a few good friends that I didn't know I had before all of this.  Thank you all for showing Darren and I such love and support.

You'll do weird things to hold onto your pet.  I collected Poochie's fur from her brush and now have it in a ziploc bag. 

You can have your pet euthanized at home.  I highly recommend this and am so grateful that we discovered Paws Into Grace.  We were able to give Poochie the most peaceful departure at home, on our bed, and in the place she loved most.  It is absolutely devastating to watch your little one go, but I'm sure seeing it happen in the comfort of your home makes a difference. 

I can see why people are religious.  I'd like to believe that Poochie and I will be reunited one day.  That we'll look into each others eyes.  That we'll cuddle.  She'll of course always be in my heart, but I want more than that.

Making simple decisions will seem like rocket science.  Poochie and Beeps each got half a can of wet food in the morning and at night.  Decisions like, do we give Beeps the entire can, do we refrigerate the other half, do we throw the other half away etc. seem impossible to answer.

Knowing that you gave your pet all of your love and a good life doesn't make losing them any easier. They say that time heals all wounds.  I've experienced loss previously and I know that while it doesn't heal said wounds, things do get easier.  Life goes on so to speak.  I don't know if I want them to get easier.  For now I want to feel this loss.  Poochie was too important to me not to.Bare with me as I find my way out of the darkness and back into the light.  XO

RIP Poochie Kerns
May 26, 2005- June 3, 2014

 
 

I've Stopped Dreaming

As we were wrapping up yoga last Friday our instructor closed with this.  I made me think, after all I was feeling dispirited.  The thing is, I sing everyday.  I dance all the time and I love stories.  My Sundays spent at home alone and in the peaceful silence are everything to me.  So what else could it be? 

Then it hit me.  I've stopped dreaming.  I don't really have any goals for myself at the point in life, I've met all the goals I set for myself in my twenties.  My life is everything I always dreamed it would be and I've stopped dreaming because of it.

I have ideas, I have things I want to do, but these things don't drive me because for the most part, I'm happy where I am.

Or is that a lie?  Am I really afraid to dream because I don't think my reality will allow for it?  I want to start my own business.  I want to write a book.  I want to take amazing trips. 

I make a lot of money though and if I start my own business, that most certainly wouldn't be the case, at least not in the beginning.  And this job, the one that pays our bills, it requires my time and my attention.  It's not like I could work part time and cover things.  That's reality. 

The book, I guess that's a little more doable since I could do it in my spare time, but I don't.  Why don't I?  My practical mind tells me that it must not be that important to me otherwise I'd be doing it.

Then there are the trips.  Dar would never go with me to Paris, besides, we don't have the money for that.  If I saved the money on my own (allowances), would he be mad that I went without him?  I don't think so, but maybe, but let's be real, I don't think I would.  The bigger truth is that I can't save money.

So you see, the reality of it all stops me from the dream.  I pride myself on being a realist, but in this case, being realistic is not helpful.  As of late I've even noticed that I'm stopping others from dreaming.  D gets all starry eyed with thoughts of building rooftop decks and opening our cabana into the canyon, but before the poor guy can even get the works out, I've put the kibosh on it. 

I am dispirited because I let my dreams fall to the wayside, they aren't as big as my reality.  I don't like that.  How do you start to dream again?