Well I'm here, it might not be pretty, but I've made it. If we're friends in real life or on Facebook then you most likely know that we lost Poochie on Tuesday. Without question loosing Poochie is the greatest loss I've ever felt. I admit that that's a strange thing to say because I lost my dad to cancer, but it's true. There are days where I'd give anything to talk with my dad. I wish we could have known each other as adults and not just as father and daughter. I feel that loss and I miss him, but that it's nothing like this.
Two years before I lost my dad, I lost my grandpa. Other than Darren my grandpa was the only person in the world who really knew me. We had such a special relationship and he loved and accepted me completely. No questions asked. I don't know about you, but for me, that kind of love is rare. The loss of that love is huge.
I started questioning my emotional stability yesterday. I mean to some people Poochie was "just a cat". I know that there are people out there who love their pets like family, I'm obviously one of them, but I have to think that there's something more to it then that. Why, because that's the way I think?
I know I haven't talked much about my childhood here. For now it's suffice to say that it was about as stable as I would be walking on a high wire after 10 shots of whiskey. Anyways, one of the many unstable parts of my childhood was in regards to our pets. I can't tell you how many cats, dogs, bunnies, chickens, mice, birds, fish etc. we had. I believe my parent's always had good intentions when they let us get said pets, but let's face it, they had a hard enough time keeping the lights on and the food in our bellies. Our pets were always the first things to go. I imagine them now all living together on a "farm" somewhere.
My life with Dar, which includes Poochie and Beeps, well that's the only stability I've ever known. For the last 10 years we've worked to build the strongest foundation we could possibly build. We've been a family of 4 for longer than I was ever a family with either of my parents and my siblings. I know there's something to that. This family, my family is everything to me. I've relied on it. I've fallen completely in love with it. Now a part of my family has gone and I'm absolutely beside myself.
I didn't want to wallow in the sadness here, but I don't know any other way right now. And I can't be myself without sharing what I've learned about grief and loss this week. I'm not proud of everything I'm about to share, but such is life.
Grief will make you feel so empty that you'll do anything you can to get away from it. I've cried myself to sleep. I've drank myself to sleep. I've taken pills. I've smoked. I've left work abruptly because I couldn't bare being away from the house. I've left the house abruptly because I couldn't bare to be here. At times I think I've literally lost my mind.
Good friends will be there to support you, even if they don't know personally what you're experiencing. I can't tell you how much the texts, cards, flowers and xanax have meant to me this week. I have a few good friends that I didn't know I had before all of this. Thank you all for showing Darren and I such love and support.
You'll do weird things to hold onto your pet. I collected Poochie's fur from her brush and now have it in a ziploc bag.
You can have your pet euthanized at home. I highly recommend this and am so grateful that we discovered Paws Into Grace. We were able to give Poochie the most peaceful departure at home, on our bed, and in the place she loved most. It is absolutely devastating to watch your little one go, but I'm sure seeing it happen in the comfort of your home makes a difference.
I can see why people are religious. I'd like to believe that Poochie and I will be reunited one day. That we'll look into each others eyes. That we'll cuddle. She'll of course always be in my heart, but I want more than that.
Making simple decisions will seem like rocket science. Poochie and Beeps each got half a can of wet food in the morning and at night. Decisions like, do we give Beeps the entire can, do we refrigerate the other half, do we throw the other half away etc. seem impossible to answer.
Knowing that you gave your pet all of your love and a good life doesn't make losing them any easier. They say that time heals all wounds. I've experienced loss previously and I know that while it doesn't heal said wounds, things do get easier. Life goes on so to speak. I don't know if I want them to get easier. For now I want to feel this loss. Poochie was too important to me not to.Bare with me as I find my way out of the darkness and back into the light. XO
RIP Poochie Kerns
May 26, 2005- June 3, 2014