Monday, December 16, 2013

Surviving The Holidays When Your Family Is Not Who You Want Them To Be

There's a reason Ellen was smoking "again", it's the same reason so many of us love and relate to the movie Christmas Vacation.  The holidays are about family and togetherness and for a large majority of us, our families are not who we'd like them to be.

I'm not gonna get into all the gory details about my family, and it's not because I'm afraid to share that part of my life with you.  There will be a time and a place for that, I promise.  It's just that I don't think this is it.  My personal story won't help you learn to accept or deal any better with the disappointment that may be your family.  Chances are your disappointment looks completely different than mine, and even if it didn't and it helped you to feel like you weren't alone, wouldn't you want to take it a step further and learn how to deal, rather than just finding someone to commiserate with?

Before I start you should know that I'm in no way an expert, unless spending years in therapy AS A PATIENT makes you a pro.  I didn't think so.  I've struggled for years trying to find contentment at the holidays, almost always feeling let down.  With that said, I have learned a few very important things, lowering my expectations is critical.  Setting boundaries for myself and then never EVER crossing them, equally as critical.

These two things will make the holidays a lot less painful, even dare I say it, enjoyable.  Some advice now.

1. Go in with no expectations.  Hard to do right, almost impossible.  I mean we all want our mothers to be in our childhood home baking cookies and cooking up a storm.  Dad's outside hanging Christmas lights, the house is decorated to the nines.  Christmas music plays lightly in the background while grandma and grandpa who have been married for 50 years sit by the fire holding hands.  You and your siblings with all of your families fly home for the holiday, a packed house.  All is cozy and warm etc. etc. etc.  If your family life looks like that, I am truly happy for you, but that's not the norm.

When you have high expectations (like Clark and I did) it's hard not to be disappointed, no matter how wonderful Christmas might be.  Now add in real life.  Maybe you have a mother-in-law that brings out feelings of inferiority because she makes comments about your homemaking skills, or you have a sister that you haven't talked to in years, your father passed away, you lost a baby, you lost your job.  High expectations and reality look totally different don't they?  No family can ever live up to the family that you've dreamed up in your mind so all your doing is setting yourself up for disappointment.  Ditch your expectations.

2.  Get away and take breaks.  D and I have a very quiet and peaceful home so heading into a house full of aunts, cousins, nieces and in-laws is going to be overwhelming and overstimulating.  Poor Margo and Todd weren't the assholes they were made out to be, they were just normal people who had their peaceful existence completely disrupted when the Griswold's extended family literally rolled into town.  I mean how would you feel if you looked out your window and saw this.

When your family gets to be too much or your feeling overwhelmed, take a break.  Head out for a walk, or to lunch and a cocktail (my personal favorite).  When you get back you'll have relaxed and you'll be ready for round two.  Besides there's no reason you need to spend every waking minute of your family visit with your family. 

3.   Don't be afraid to spend Christmas alone.  That might sound sad to some of you, but if you've managed to ditch your expectations, it really can be quite nice.  When we're not on the east coast with D's family, more often than not, we spend the holiday here in our home, just the two of us.  Full disclosure, ditching expectations is HARD and I went years feeling incredibly lonely over the holidays because I was away from my make believe family.  It took me a really long time to get to where I am today, but now that I'm here, I actually prefer the holiday at home, just D and me.

Nothing says you need a house full of people to celebrate Christmas.  We always make a huge meal.  The table is set beautifully, our china is out, the ice bucket is full of chilled champagne, Christmas music plays softly in the background.  The tree is lit and the house is decorated.  Sometimes we'll stay in our pajamas all day watching Christmas movies.  It's peaceful and calm and it's absolutely perfect.

I know the holidays can be tough.  If you'll be spending Christmas with your not so perfect family, take my advice and ditch the expectations, take time out for yourself and if all else fails it's not too late to stay home.

Have a great week friends.

17 comments:

  1. Hey Shannon, my fiance and I are doing Christmas much differently this year. Like #3! Mainly because I put my foot down and told him that I am ready to start our own Traditions. We aren't driving anywhere on Christmas. And nobody is coming here either- perfectly okay. It will be super peaceful and relaxing! We are just going to have Christmas at our apartment just teh two of us and our pets. I wanted it this way and he was completely okay with it. There is so much pressure to drive hundreds of miles to see people and honestly I'm always the one who does that. So over it. Cheers to doing Christmas the way you want to do it! :)

    Ginny
    www.buttergirldiaries.com

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    1. Hey Ginny! It's so good to hear from you.. I hope you and your love enjoy a quiet pressure free Christmas at home. Starting your own traditions can be so much fun. One of these years I'd love for D and I to go away somewhere and start a tradition of visiting a new city every other Christmas. We should all do what makes us happy, especially this time of year :)

      XO,
      Shannon

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  2. I love this post! When I can't meet up with my family over Christmas I invite any friends that might be stuck in my town over and we just hang out. I also have never felt lonely or weird celebrating Christmas with just my boyfriend/now husband, so when you said that it stuck me as kind of odd, but I guess everyone is different. Just never occurred to me!

    My house is weird on Christmas also. My dad always makes a big huge Christmas meal. Thats really about it, and then we watch people open a few gifts. We don't do a big deal since we are all grown up now. The grandkids (my sister's kids) are fun to watch their utter amazement at wrapping paper through. :P My dad is an alcoholic so I don't have any expectations. I grew up knowing not to have any. My dad ignored me for most of his life, so I think I got off easy. My sister he adored for awhile and then when he started to ignore her it really really hurt her feelings, where as I never had an expectations from the beginning.

    I wish you the best Christmas ever :)

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    1. Hello Carolynn. Thank you so much for reading and for taking the time to leave a comment. It means more than you know. I'm beyond glad that you've managed to escape any feelings of loneliness during the holidays. You should absolutely consider yourself lucky. As for me, all I can say is that I have an incredibly thick head and that letting go of the family I wish I had took longer than I would have liked, which ultimately left me feeling lonely and disappointed.

      I hope to be able to spend the holidays with my family again at some point and it would be great to see the good in them. Like you said, watching the kids open their presents would be fun etc. I know myself very well though and I’m not firm enough on my boundaries yet so I slip from time to time which never ends well. I’d hate for that to ruin Christmas.

      Wishing you the best Christmas ever too!
      Hugs,
      Shannon

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  3. Having low expectations can be hard (for me anyways) but it can really help with coping, that's for sure! I don't think anybody has the "perfect" family--we all have our difficulties, but there are good things to enjoy about Christmas, too!

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    1. You're right on all accounts Rachael :). Lowering your expectations is tough, nobody has a perfect family and there are wonderful things to enjoy at Christmas. It's a mixed bag isn't it :). Wishing you a very Merry Christmas!

      Shannon

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  4. I enjoy that it is just me and P, for most holidays. I think developing your own little traditions can be fun:) they may just be the norm traditions. Life's too short to spend it doing things that don't make you happy:)

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  5. All great advice. I struggle with certain members of my family whom I don't even see or talk to anymore. At first it was weird not seeing them on the holidays but now I'm used to it. :/

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    1. It definitely gets easier! Have a Merry Christmas Amanda.

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  6. Hey Shannon,

    I love this post! Even though I won't be spending this Xmas with family I can still appreciate it. I can definitely relat et o number two - I come from a crazy household with four younger brothers and one older and Xmas is never a quiet affair in our home. Glenn (my other half) as an only child from a small family) started to come to my house for xmas after him mum passed away and while he loves the chaos, is completely not used to the noise and craziness haha.

    Number three is exactly what I'm doing this year :) as you read already in my Christmas post :) And I intend to make some new traditions. As with my birthday we are normally away for, Christmas may well just be of a similar tradition now :)

    Merry Christmas to you and D lovely, great post as always! And I look forward to hearing all about it on here or other :)

    www.notlikethemoviesblog.com

    Sarah-Louise xo

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    1. Hi Sarah! I was thinking about you the other day :). I hope all is well and I'm definitely looking forward to a full report on your holiday getaway. Have a Merry Christmas friend!

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  7. thanks for the post & insights, Shannon. I always enjoy reading your blog every time I visit ;]

    besos,
    Kris x loveyouduh.com

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    1. Awww, thank you Krissy. I loved all the pictures from your trip to the city. They were just beautiful.

      Cheers friend!

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  8. Hey girl! I'm a new follower via Bloglovin. Your blog is seriously so adorable! I just wanted to say hello! I'm from AZ so I'm not too far away! I'm so excited to read more of your posts! :)

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    1. Brianna! It's so nice to have you here. Thank you so much for reading and for taking the time to say hello! It means everything :)

      Xo,
      Shannon

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  9. Great post! It came just in time! :)

    A.

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