Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Confessions Of Bargaining, Resentment and Relief.

Six months ago I never would have posted this picture.  My hairs a mess, my glasses are huge, I don't even think I'm wearing a bra.  The photo itself is dark and grainy.  It was taken for us (Poochie and me), not for a viewing audiance.

Pretty, happy, positive, that's what we like to show and see.  We aim to keep things upbeat, to be an inspiration to others, to share the best versions of ourselves.  We show the pretty more often than not.  Pretty is nicer to look at and read about isn't it?

This space has been an incredibly positive one for the last month or two.  I've been proud of that because it's been a direct reflection on how things have been going in my personal life, positively.  If you've been with me for awhile now, most of you have, you know that that's not always been the case.  There's been darkness here before.

Today's post is darkness.

Our sweet little girl Poochie has been in ICU fighting heart failure for the last two days.  Yesterday after an EKG we learned that she has and probably has had since birth, HCM (Hyperthropic Cardiomyopathy).  My best friend and faithful companion is dying from heart disease.  I'm trying like hell to stay positive, but to be honest, I've been a complete mess.  My days with Poochie are going to be far less than I ever though.

The good news is that Poochie was taken off oxygen about 4 hours ago and as long as she remains stable, will be coming home with us so that she can live out the rest of her days at home with her family.  

These are confessions of my thoughts over the last few days.

Why Poochie.  I wish it was Beeps.  I feel like an absolute monster for thinking that, but Beeps is older.  I swear I love Beeps and we're great pals, but Poochie and I, we're animal/human soul mates.  From day 1 I've said she was Darren in cat form.  I'm sorry Beeps.

I've bargained with the universe.  If Poochie makes it out and is able to come home, I won't bug Dar for a trip to the Caribbean for our 10 year wedding anniversary.

My completely empty credit card will be maxed out.  It's worth it.

WHEN  Poochie makes it home, I'll give her whatever she wants, whenever she wants it.  Treats galore.  Every sink in the house will have water running from it 24/7 for Poochie's drinking pleasure. 

Communicating to my boss (a grown man and the company CFO) that I need to miss work again to be with my cat has been incredibly odd.  He's been absolutely amazing and totally understanding.  It just something I've never thought about having to do before.  My girls are my kids and that's how I talk about them.  I guess it's just never been in a professional capacity.    

I've yet to even allow myself to think about what will happen a week from now,  or two months from now when Poochie's little heart does finally give out.  I'm just so grateful for the extra time I have with her.  The extra time I have to show her as much love as she's shown me.

We've been so lucky to have Poochie in our family.  Nine years just doesn't seem long enough, but I guess 18 years probably wouldn't either.

Please keep little Poochie and her family in our thoughts this week.  We need your good vibes and words of encouragement.  Until next time.  XO    


  1. Sending so many good thoughts to you! Sorry you're going through this!

  2. Dearest Shannon, I am so, so sorry for your little baby. I hope you can take her home tonight and snuggle her all.night.long.
    It is incredibly hard to lose our babies - I wish you will have some time left to say goodbye.
    Death is the biggest tragedy of life, it sucks big time.
    I wish you strength! You and your Poochie are in my thoughts.

  3. Oh gosh so sorry! Love on sweet Poochie all you can while shes here :)

  4. You all are in my thoughts! I wish there was something that could be said or done to make it better, but it is, like most things in life out of our control. Lots of strength and hugs to you and Poochie.

  5. Oh no :( I hope something kicks in and Poochie's heart keeps on ticking away for a long time- she's made it this far, right? Our pets are like family, so it's only natural to need time off to deal when they have a health crisis. I took the day off when I had to put my last dog down and my boss (who was a raging bitch, mind you- and I don't use that term often) was very understanding. My family lost our dear cat Spooky several years ago now, and I still miss her (she was a really rad black cat, and we'd had her for at least 15 years if not longer). Animals' presences are felt just as much if not more than the people in our lives- we live with them and they often follow us around in a way that is not normal for humans to do. Bonds form. It hurts when they break, and it hurts knowing that one day they will break (Lucy is 5 now and I want to get an extension for her life). All this is to say, I feel you.

  6. I'm so sorry she's going through this! I hope she gets stabilized and they find a good way for you to keep it under control and her comfortable for as long as possible. Sending lots of good health vibes from a fellow cat mama.

  7. Oh, I am so sorry. I hope she can come home soon.

    I think the only time period that would be long enough is if our loves died the moment we died.

    Hang in there.

  8. This is just so awful. I'm very sorry you are going through this right now. I can imagine how you must be feeling, my two cats are my "kids" and life too, and I don't think I'd be able to concentrate on anything knowing if they were sick. I hope that you can enjoy every moment with her when she comes home. I will be thinking of you.

  9. Awww... I'm so sorry. :( I hate that you have to go through this. I completely understand how animals become a part of the family.

  10. So sorry for you and your cat. I hope you enjoy what you have left with your baby.