Sunday, March 23, 2014

Will This Be My Last Climb?

The trouble with wanting more is that you're never happy with what you have.  It's never ending, just like all of these circles. 

Remember when I said I didn't want to Hustle?  I created a cute little graphic and everything.  Well, by created, I mean that I used PicMonkey.  Anyways, clearly that is not happening here in my life.  If it's in your personality to "hustle", is it even an option to stop?  I've spent months in therapy trying to slow down, and nothing.  After today I will have worked 9 of the last 10 days.  That kinda sucks right, but I'm sure we've all been there before.  Every major project seems like it's a race to the finish line.  My next day off won't be until April 5th though.  Yeah, you heard that right, April 5th.  Twenty days with one day off, now that's a problem.  Which brings me to a few thoughts.  Want to follow me down the rabbit hole?  If not, not biggie, I'll be back tomorrow with my list of grateful.

Why am I doing this, killing myself?  It's not like I'm moving MY company.  I'm just an employee at the Manager level, not even a big fancy VP.  I know my boss didn't anticipate me playing as big a role in this move as I have, so why am I?  Even now, I keep saying yes, I keep saying I can do that.

I blame the hustler.  Yeah, I'm now referring to myself like I have multiple personalities (the hustler vs. my quiet little soul).  It's me always wanting more, always wanting "better".  I tell myself that the exposure this project has given me will be good for my career.  I'm like a heat seeker.  I see an opportunity for success and I pounce.  Will this be the project that get me to the next level?  That's how my mind works.

Why do I want to get to the next level?  Why am I not happy where I am?

I don't know!  I do know that with more money comes more responsibility.  Why would I want that for my already stressed out self?  Why can't I stop being an overachiever in the workplace? 

A lot of my self worth comes from the job that I do and the money that I make.  Will that one day cause me to crash and burn?  Will it ever be enough?

Admitting to that a large part of my self worth comes from my job and the money I make makes me sad because I know that that's not what life is about.  This is why people leave Corporate America.  I mean I actually feel sick to my stomach writing this. 

What will it take to make me realize that the calm and quiet are worth more than a paycheck?

And what happens after this project is over and I don't achieve my anticipated goal?  I mean imagine the dissapointment.  I'll resent myself for giving so much of my time and energy to something I just said I knew wasn't what's important in life.  I'll resent my employer.  Crazy because like I said, I know this was not expected of me.  It's a lose, lose, and that's never a good situation. 

And if I do come out on top?  Will this madness stop?  I mean, can you stop a freight train?  It may sound dramatic but that's the way this side of me is.  

It feels good to get this all out of my head.  And please know that I'm not complaining y'all (still watching too much Southern Charm and now the Private Lives of Nashville Wives obviously).  Just a brain dump.  It helps clear my head which usually helps me refocus and charge on.  I hope you've all had an amazing weekend.  Thanks for reading and let's chat soon.  XO  


  1. It's such a coincidence that you posted this. This past week I've been trying to understand why I constantly feel the need to get ahead and do all this work that is not required of me. I love what I do and that I help people, but sometimes I wish I could just slow down. Hustle is a blessing and a curse.

  2. My husband is kind of like that but the way he looks at is that he is always wanting to improve and evolve. He never wants to settle for where he's at. He wants to do more. I don't think it's a bad thing. I wish I had some of that!! I think the problem is when you let it define yourself and determine your self worth. You are a go getter!! That's awesome. I could never work that many days without a day off. I think I'd just crumple into a ball and cry.

  3. I'm thinking about this a lot too. On the one hand, if you're totally fine with where you are in life you won't evolve. On the other hand, if you are always chasing the next big thing, are you ever happy?
    I still don't know the answer. Maybe the answer is really simple: Do what feels right. If you get satisfaction and happiness out of your career, then there is nothing wrong with it. If it's more stress then enjoyment, maybe something needs to change?
    I sure hope your schedule will let up in April though, your workload right now is insane!
    Hugs friend!

  4. I think its somewhat human nature to always want more. Change is scary but I'm sure no matter what it'll all work out for you! I don't think theres anything wrong with wanting to make more money;)

  5. My husband is the same way - his job is somewhat thankless right now but he takes a lot of pride in a job well done so he pushes and works hard, regardless. I'm not sure how a personality like yours finds middle ground. I guess the best thing is to remember that you deserve balance and a life outside of work. If hustling like this creates a nice nest egg for a European vacation down the line, then maybe you are doing something right, even though it is tough now. I have no real advice other than to say go easy on yourself, you are only one person, and let's hope April 5th is here before you know it!

  6. It's a balance and it is totally normal to want more. I understand where you are coming from and I think it is a bit of a personality thing...some people can just sit back and take the ride and some of us are drivers (regardless of where driving is getting you ). You are almost there and it 100% sucks it is so consuming. I wish I had some kind of magical advice that would help. Hang in there S!

  7. i think you always want more when deep down, you're not satisfied with what you have or where you are. i was like that for a long time...something just never sat right with me whether it was the company or the management or the role... but once i found "it", i stopped looking and am 100% happy.

    remember that only YOU can look out for you! the company wont so if you need and want more, go for it.

    Vodka and Soda

  8. GOD Shannon, I have SO many thoughts!!! You basically just summed up the existential crisis I've had for the last 6 months. I got to a point where I didn't even want promotions or growth in my role. It was freaking awful. Corporate America is the devil. Let me know if you ever want to get coffee and vent. I understand 1000% where you're coming from. Hang in there!!!